Freedom through Agony

*I wrote this blog when Thomas was a wee little nugget (early 2015) and I just came across it now and felt called to share it*

This new season of my life has come with a plethora of emotions that I didn’t even know I was capable of having. A lot of joy, a new level of exhaustion, and even spouts of unnecessary and foolish anger. The most surprising of them all is pain. Not a physical, but an emotional pain. Pain when I cannot get my baby to stop crying. Pain when I get rejected from jobs, scholarships, friendships, even retreats. There is a part of myself that died when a new life came… and that part is all of me. My prayer life changed into all these questions…why the heck is there all this pain and sadness and feelings of loneliness and abandonment? Jesus, why do you love making me wait?? Why won’t you tell me what to do now?! Why won’t anyone hire me, why can’t I get grants to go to school? Why is my prayer life changing? Why does Thomas scream and hurt more than other babies? Why are you leaving me in this internal agony all alone?!

God in His slow, patient, and mysterious way is leading me to the Garden. The only thing I can do is just sit with Jesus in the Agony in the Garden. No one will sit with me for just one hour. I am alone and abandoned and in agony. In my selfish humanity, I really thought the Gospel of the Agony in the Garden was a little dramatic. Is “agony” really an appropriate word to describe it? Was it really THAT bad, Jesus? You were just praying to God alone, there is no reason to have all your friends sit and watch. They’re tired. Calm down.

Dude, Jesus was terrified. Yes, He was God…but he was also man. He desired friendship, community, and love just as much as the rest of us. I never knew how I needed community until I was not in it anymore. I never understood the agony of loneliness during a trial until I was alone at night with my suffering baby. Praise God for his grace and mercy and for the time in the desert. Thank God for my time alone with my baby. Thank goodness we have God who is gracious enough to teach us lessons to help us grow in holiness. It hurts, but it is good. It is a holy ache. “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13

Everyday I am learning that I don’t get to chose what I want: I don’t get to choose how much sleep I can get, I don’t get the luxuary of choosing what I will do today, I don’t get to decide if I want alone or quiet time, I don’t get to decide when I will eat. Oddly enough, there is a freedom in that. There is a marvelous freedom in knowing that Jesus desires me and desires Thomas and wants both of us to be with him in Heaven for eternity. Jesus wants to strip all of my selfish ways and what I thought were my desires to make me a Saint. The ache is real. It hurts, but it is a redemptive suffering.

A Childish Poem

Little boy, little boy, I love you very much

That is why I write this poem, I hope it comes in clutch.

Little boy, little boy, the clothes I have you wearing

All the ladies flock around and cannot stop their staring.

Little boy, little boy, I’m sorry for all the pics I’ve taken

You’re just so darn cute, don’t have me mistaken.

Little boy, little boy, you’re growing big and strong

One day when you’re older, please, don’t be a ball hog.

Little boy, little boy, when you play with your friends

I’ll try not to embarrass you, on that you can depend.

Little boy, little boy, I hope you love to laugh

I also hope that after playing, you’ll love to take a bath.

Little boy, little boy, I pray daily for your vocation

It’s not too early to pray for your train to find the right station.

Little boy, little boy, I love it when we pray

It’s then I hold you tight tight tight and our worries melt away.

Little boy, little boy, although this poem isn’t very lyrical 

I wrote this silly diddy here to tell you, you’re my miracle.

Happy Easter, Thomas!

Since you can’t eat candy yet, you get this poem. Love ya T. 

 

That Escalated Quickly

Right now I am feeding this tiny human being that was in my belly just days ago. That escalated quickly.

This is just one of the many late night feelings that I’ve come to treasure and question my sanity. These past couple of weeks I have seen things I never knew I would see and I have undergone things I never knew I was capable to undergo. I never thought I could be physically capable to carry life, labor for hours upon hours, birth a baby, and then have the ability to feed him at my breast. The human body – what a mystery! Everything just happened so fast… I was having a normal day and I wasn’t due until the following week and ready or not – bam, there’s a day of contractions and then a few pushes and then a baby. Nine months was not enough time to process and prepare for these emotional sleepless glorious sleepless wonderful sleepless time.

One night I was reflecting on how this little boy cannot do a single thing on his own besides cry, swallow, and poop. He is totally and completely dependent on me (and others) to help him survive and he doesn’t even know it! I don’t get any affirmation or hugs or even a “thanks mom for laboring and birthing me and never sleeping to feed me so I can live and grow. You’re the best – now go take a 12 hour recovery nap.” I think that God the Father blesses people with babies to remind them of how He loves. We are totally dependent on Him for our survival and sometimes we forget to throw out any affirmation, praise and thanksgiving. In turn, God the Father just wants our love…He just wants us to be infatuated and thankful and in awe. Just as when I am holding and feeding my precious baby, I am in awe at his existence and I just love him to death. How can I be so in love with this little nugget that doesn’t let me sleep and doesn’t even know me? How can God the Father unconditionally love me to death even when I sometimes act like I don’t know Him?

All of this may sound like emotional nonsense to you since it makes sense to my 2 hours of sleep self, so I’ll let Audrey take over… because she says what I want to say. I read this blog post a few months ago and it was absolutely terrifying. Now that it’s my life, it resonates so much truth. Please read and enjoy(:

They Didn’t Tell Me – Audrey Assad’s Blog post on Motherhood

O Happy Fault

“For my empty cup you offer a chalice overflowing. What else could be sweeter than you? You are enough, You are enough, You are enough…..”  – William Price III and Audrey Assad

This pregnancy has been the most radical, beautiful, mystical, heart-warming, intense, blessed, and communal 9 months of my life. It has been filled with minor moments of mourning, despair, and spiritual attacks but has been abundantly filled with mercy, healing, forgiveness, and redeeming love. Nine months is almost not enough time to wrap my mind and my heart around the generous mercy of God and the fact that there is a tiny human still growing inside of my body. This tiny human has sucked up my energy, nestled (un)comfortably into my ribs, laid his head on my bladder, caused many people unbelievable amounts of contagious joy, brought people back to the Church and to the Sacraments, taught me about humility and true self-sacrifice, has shown me new facets of my own family, and has made me so stinkin excited about pregnancy and new life and whatever this motherhood thing means. (The whole “I’m a mom” thing hasn’t hit me yet… I still have time:)

Jesus has gracefully taken me through this particular season of my life and the seasons of Church in a new and profound way. With pregnancy, crazy unimaginable things happen to the body. One cool thing that I would like to share about my own pregnancy is that I have these lovely stretch marks on my belly. The Lord has really spoken into the deeper meaning of these marks with preparing my heart (and body) for Lent.

“But he was pierced for our sins,
crushed for our iniquity.
He bore the punishment that makes us whole,
By His stripes we are healed” Isaiah 53:5

Through these months I have had a lot of healing and what was invisibly done in my heart is being made visible on my belly by my “stripes”. I am giving up my body and my blood to give this baby life! How can I possibly contain this gift and this joy?!?! What a more perfect time to labor and deliver this baby than in the season of Lent, which is a time to reflect on our own sin and weaknesses and a time to offer sacrifices to the King of Kings who offered His very self as a sacrifice. Since I am kind of limited to the “typical” Catholic Lenten penances, I think the perfect penance is to have a un-medicated labor and delivery (God-willing if there are no dire medical complications).

“To the woman he said: I will intensify your toil in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children…
To the man he said: Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, You shall not eat from it, cursed is the ground because of you! In toil you shall eat its yield all the days of your life.”  Genesis 3

So I do not labor in vain, I will offer my “toil in childbearing” for everyone’s intentions especially for women who cannot get pregnant, women who have tragically lost their children to miscarriage, and those women who are forced to have abortions. Please feel free to contact me with your own intentions!

 

I know that this is a touchy subject for some folks and some people have their doubts about my single-ness and my pregnancy, don’t get me wrong – I often tell The Lord he’s crazy and I have my moments when I think about bringing a child into the world as a single mother … But really when I see past the devils lies and temptations and into the purifying Glory of God, I see the unfathomable beauty of this entire situation. Every moment of everyday God loves me, forgives me, redeems me, saves me, chooses me.
He made something out of nothing. This baby is a miracle and I would not say that if it were not true. I still pray for those who cannot look at me or speak to me, I pray for your forgiveness. The Lord has forgiven me. That is enough for me.
In my own prayer, the Lord has shown me His tenderness and all of the moments he forgave, loved and showed mercy to me even when I have had my human moments of doubt and fear or even the occasional times of mourning my sins and feeling the shame that I do not have a husband. Daily I have to rebuke those lies and joyfully brush off the beating eyes or un-charitable remarks and fall into my Jesus who continuously whispers in my ear those ironic words: “o happy fault”

“O truly necessary sin of Adam, destroyed completely by the Death of Christ!
O happy fault that earned for us so great, so glorious a Redeemer!”

Journey through Advent

This year’s Advent and Christmas season was unlike any other. Mary changed my heart.

Through this season I journeyed intensely with Mary and Joseph through the daily Theotokos Advent Retreat by Fr. Mark Toups.  Also, I renewed my Consecration to Our Lady of Guadalupe, found out I’m having a boy, miraculously attended a Healing Retreat, witnessed two dear friends of mine have the most beautiful simple wedding with such genuine love that would make baby angels cry, had many blessed encounters with missionaries and friends, witnessed an intimate home enthronement to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, began the 54 Day Rosary Novena, and had the hilarious realization that when a woman gets pregnant – she will never receive another Christmas present again – because folks, it is NOT about me and that is okay!

This season in my soul was wild and filled with so much joy, growth, purification, anticipation and healing. Spending time in different communities and groups of people and having a significant amounts of alone time has stretched my heart in so many ways that I really believe there is more room for me to love.

Through the Advent daily meditations “Theotokos”, I experienced different levels of imaginative prayer through scripture. It has been so special to journey with Mary through her pregnancy while I am pregnant. Being pregnant gave me a totally new perspective to every reading and reflection about Mary. For example, can you believe she was large and in charge and about ready to deliver Jesus and she had to ride on a donkey while being rejected by inn keepers?! I am in my eighth month and I can’t even imagine getting on top of an animal and riding it anywhere. If Mary was anything like me, Joseph would have had to pull the donkey over every 5 to 10 minutes just so she could pee. I see that getting kinda sketchy when you’re traveling in their conditions during that time.

Reflecting on the Annunciation, especially when Mary returns to her town after visiting her cousin, was the turning point in my relationship with Mary. Mary is single, but preparing to wed Joseph, and returns to her small town after her travels and I’m sure could just feel the tension of the people gossiping as they see her growing belly. She was from a pretty religious town as well, all things that I have in common with her (besides the betrothal to Joseph part…yet…). Seeing her blessings and her struggles made her so relatable which made asking her questions so much easier. Everyday I would think of something new to talk to Mary about…what did your parents say when you told them you’re pregnant? how did you react to the gossip? what was it like to feel him move? did you have morning sickness? what was it like spending time with Elizabeth? were you ever afraid to be a mother?

And then we have Joseph. Phew, please Jesus send me a man like him! Can you imagine what he was thinking this whole time?! He is preparing to marry the most beautiful and perfect Godly woman, he is the foster-father of the son of God, and he will literally be Jesus’ earthly father -teaching Jesus how to do everyday things. That is a lot to take in. Joseph was not conceived without sin, so he is very human and very relatable – how in the heck did he not die of joy seeing Mary hold Jesus?! His obedience to God is just unreal. When God tells him to wake Mary and the newborn Jesus in the middle of the night to flee to Egypt on another treacherous donkey ride for poor Mary, Joseph doesn’t hesitate, he just obeys. To be so quick to say yes to God’s every command, that is how we become saints. We have to look to St. Joseph in his obedience and humble earthly father-ness.

Humility has always been a great thing to pray for if you’re brave and want to be humiliated, but I think I get it a little more now than I did before. When I was training for missions with FMC, one of the most frequent phrases drilled to us was, “it is NOT about you.” I understood it to an extent, but now it just got REAL. Mary is the Theotokos – the “God-Bearer”, the vessel, the mother…but the bigger deal is the Son. I know that this is the silliest comparison known to man, but I have noticed that I am the “Thomas-bearer”- the vessel that holds the miracle of mercy and it is NOT about me but ALL about God. When people see me they don’t see me, they see the belly that holds the baby. It is so beautiful and so humbling and I love it. I love seeing my belly stretch and see the marks that I am giving up my earthly body to bear this life. I love when people touch my belly and talk or sing to baby Thomas. I love that all of this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God. I love that Jesus slowly revealed all of this to me in a healing way… just tenderly peeling away my selfish desires and pridefulness layer by layer. He has just been showing me through this Advent and Christmas through the Holy Family that all of this is not about me.

happy last day of Christmas!

 

Mary, teach me to be a holy mother like you.

Doubting Thomas

I love St. Thomas, every single one of them! St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Thomas also known as Didymus in the Bible, St. Thomas More, etc….

But my son is named after the one and only, “Doubting Thomas” of the Twelve Disciples of Jesus Christ (see John 20:24-28)
Thomas the Apostle was bold, brave, intimate, down to earth, courageous, inquisitive, and most importantly he was missionary. His three major moments recorded in scripture show his brave devotion to Jesus and his curious boldness; Thomas is relatable.

I want to encourage you to notice how human the apostles are in scripture and even in the image below. The disciples were absolutely terrible fisherman, so thank God they decided to follow Jesus. The disciples were confused with Jesus’ parables and frequently asked him to clarify, that’s what I would have done. They lied, they sinned, and were even occasionally smarty pants. I feel like this painting by Caravaggio is a depiction of men being “typical” men (or typical humans). The two apostles in the back probably dissed the heck out of Thomas for not believing Jesus was risen from the dead and when Jesus compassionately guides Thomas’ hands to His wounds, they coming running to see for themselves (look at them peaking from behind!) The apostles were a bunch of humans who were witnessing Christ everyday and still went through moments of doubt and confusion and disbelief. They are relatable. Scripture is relatable.

Take a moment to soak in the beauty of this painting… The gentle merciful Jesus, the doubting apostles, the redeeming wounds.

To my son,

As I write this blog I can’t help but laugh and rejoice while watching you move around in my belly and contemplating that the Lord knows every part of you and when you move and what you look like even when I do not know yet. Thinking about the qualities and the majesty of Jesus is overwhelming! “Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you.” (Isaiah 49:15) It is impossible to forget you growing and moving and kicking in my womb, I know it! I’m living it! And God knows and feels your movements more than I can and I’m literally feeling your movements now. God knew your name before I knew of your existence. He promised to love and protect you before I even tried to fully understand that there is human life growing inside of me. He calls you perfect, glorious, precious, darling. He knows you more than I can ever know you and more than anyone could ever know you. How can we comprehend such power and beauty?! it reminds me of one of my favorite psalms:

“Lord, you have probed me, you know me:
    you know when I sit and stand;
    you understand my thoughts from afar.
You sift through my travels and my rest;
    with all my ways you are familiar.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
    Lord, you know it all.
Behind and before you encircle me
    and rest your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    far too lofty for me to reach.

Where can I go from your spirit?
    From your presence, where can I flee?
If I ascend to the heavens, you are there;
    if I lie down in Sheol, there you are.
If I take the wings of dawn
    and dwell beyond the sea,
Even there your hand guides me,
    your right hand holds me fast.
If I say, “Surely darkness shall hide me,
    and night shall be my light”—
Darkness is not dark for you,
    and night shines as the day.
    Darkness and light are but one.

 You formed my inmost being;
    you knit me in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;
    wonderful are your works!
    My very self you know.
 My bones are not hidden from you,
When I was being made in secret,
    fashioned in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw me unformed;
    in your book all are written down;
    my days were shaped, before one came to be.”

Psalm 139:1-16

ardent longing

I listened to this song recently and I found it to be so captivating that it led me to deep prayer. It is a “secular” song, meaning it is not “Christian”…but I find it to have a deep Christian meaning. This artist is so raw and vulnerable and clearly wounded and he seems to be searching for authentic truth and beauty. He is yearning and longing. The way he sings and his passion make me feel a sort of mysticism.

I couldn’t help but close my eyes and meditate on the beauty of the words and how this song led my soul to yearn for God.

Like the Psalms say:

O God, you are my God—
    it is you I seek!
For you my body yearns;
    for you my soul thirsts,
In a land parched, lifeless,
    and without water.
 I look to you in the sanctuary
    to see your power and glory.
 For your love is better than life;
    my lips shall ever praise you!

I will bless you as long as I live;
    I will lift up my hands, calling on your name.
 My soul shall be sated as with choice food,
    with joyous lips my mouth shall praise you!
 I think of you upon my bed,
    I remember you through the watches of the night
 You indeed are my savior,
    and in the shadow of your wings I shout for joy.
 My soul clings fast to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

There are always words in the bible that make you giggle or make you blush because you wouldn’t think that those words would be used in the context of God (ex: Song of Songs).

How intimate of a relationship we have with God that our body yearns?!

My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you.

Intimacy and God in the same sentence always made me very uncomfortable before I understood what it really means. I believed intimacy was only between a husband and wife because I associated intimacy only with sex. Someone explained the word intimacy to me like this: “into-me-see.” So one person knows you in such a real way that they can see into you and truly know you. You see me and I see you. (Just read up on some of St. JPII’s Theology of the Body and your face will be blown off and you’ll believe you were actually bff’s with JPII your whole life.)

“Human persons are made for self-giving love, not a self-getting love, and they will find fulfillment only when they give themselves in service to others.”

“Man and woman are made to live in an intimate personal communion of self-giving love, mirroring the inner life of the Trinity.”

“Seeing each other, as if through the mystery of creation, man and woman see each other even more fully and distinctly than through the sense of sight itself. . . . They see and know each other with all the peace of the interior gaze, which creates precisely the fullness of the intimacy of persons”

Most importantly, in this song I imagine Mary waiting for her Son, the Savior of the world, not only waiting patiently for His birth, but especially the excruciating waiting after His death. The lyrics settle in my soul as Mary just hurting for her baby.

“The Virgin Mary is the greatest among creatures because she responded to God with her pure fiat, a total cooperation that intimately involved all of her being. Everything that Mary did she did with her body.”

“The most intimate relationship between a divine Body-Person and a human body-person ensued between this mother and her Son who is also God’s own Son. Such is what appears to be meant by those in our Christian Tradition who favor enriching Mary’s concrete motherhood of Christ with bridal symbolism and imagery. Not to be interpreted literally in its sexual connotations, still it does emphasize the intimate union between the divine and the human which took place within Mary’s body . . . ”

 

Well, now that I have given you a plethora of quote from the Bible and different Theology of the Body sources, here is the song for you to pray with and interpret as you wish:

“Lay Me Down” by Sam Smith https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVJcLcuQdOw

 

I pray that I can have an unfathomable longing for God. That when I am in the business and chaos of life I am constantly remembering and missing God those quiet moments with Him. I pray that I have an authentic hurt when I feel distant from God. That even when I am in my bed asleep, I remember Him through the night. I pray that I can be like Mary, so intimately in union with the Trinity as the perfect Bride of Christ, even though I am a part of the Church which is the perfectly-imperfect Bride of Christ.

Purgatory

The Secret of the Poor Souls in Purgatory: http://www.michaeljournal.org/simma.htm

“Sufferings are the greatest proof of the love of God, and if we offer them well, they can win many souls.”

“I knew a priest and a young woman who were both ill with tuberculosis in the hospital. The young woman said to the priest: “Let’s ask the Lord to be able to suffer on earth as much as necessary in order to go straight to Heaven.” The priest replied that he himself didn’t dare to ask for this. Nearby was a religious sister who had overheard the whole conversation. The young woman died first, the priest died later, and he appeared to the sister, saying: ‘If only I had had the same trust as the young woman, I too would have gone straight to Heaven.'”

If you desire to learn about Purgatory and how to pray for souls and live to save souls, I pray you read this interview with Maria Simma who was visited by souls in Purgatory and learned a great deal of information on how to gain merits and become a Saint and suffer well…

Thank You!

Dearest family, friends, readers, supporters, and Saints:

Thank you SO much for your wildly gracious support and kind words to me since my “blog reveal” of our little miracle.

The “Unexpected Miracle” post has had over 1000 views and has added over 2000 hits to this site. Praise God for the media!

God really knows how to get His word out there and to the people that need it the most. I have been so humbled and blessed to receive comments, texts, emails, and phone calls from family, friends, and even random people about how Jesus spoke to them through this Miracle Story. It is so encouraging for me and my family to see and hear your glory stories!

I wanted to share with you just a few of these “glory stories” or quotes from people who have read the blog and who were impacted by the Lords movements.

(Just to be clear, this is not about me, this is about the glory of the resurrected Jesus who has graciously blessed me to see how His glory is being manifested in those who have read my testimony of His new life.)

“I will boast, but about myself I will not boast, except about my weaknesses.” – 2 Corinthians 12:5

 

“After reading your blog you’ve given me kind of peace of mind, I guess you could say, about being Catholic and what it means. Since high school I’ve pretty much stopped going to church. At first I would go and skip occasionally now I only go for special occasions. But within the past few weeks I’ve been considering going back…..So really what I wanted to say was thank you for sharing! You’ve given me the push I needed to get back where I need to be!”

“your post helped renew in me a determination to trust in Our Lord’s Will in my own life”

“I saw jesus as I was reading his name in your blog. Now you know I am catholic, go to church on sundays, volunteer at any functions at church but I am not “religious”. I dont know my faith as I should.  But I tell you I saw it as you were describing and felt it.”

“Thank you for reminding me that though I may choose to fall…Christ has given us the power to choose to rise again. Thank you for being SO brave by being so little.”

“I’m so humbled by your message.  I don’t even know what to do with myself.  Thank you.  You have consoled my heart in ways you don’t even know.”

“…And I know as a strong pro life catholic you probably knew exactly what to do but as someone whose mother was told by my father and every close family member and friend she had that death was an option and laid down her reputation and financial burden and the foot of the cross and chose me against all odds, thank you for choosing life. Thank you thank you thank you!! That yes means the world to the world!!”

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

With the blog sites radical increase of visitors and some awkward news that Google could take what I write and claim it as their own, I have decided to change my site to WordPress.

This site will not be deleted since I am still learning the wild world of WordPress (and as tech-savvy people would say, it is “under construction”!

The new link will be: www.withmaryforjesus.wordpress.com

So thank you again for the 8000 views from all over the globe since I have began blogging in 2013 and salamat kaayo satanaan (thank y’all very much) for your prayers and gracious kindness and support!!

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” – Mother Teresa

Love,

Breana and baby

Walk Upon the Water: Round 2

In August of 2013 I wrote a blog post about St. Peter (Walk Upon The Water) related to the song that I had recently heard: Oceans by Hillsong. This song was one of my signs from God to make the bold move to become a full-time Catholic Missionary. I completely trusted in God to go wherever He would call me and to have the faith that He would provide everything I needed. Each lyric was truly inviting me deeper into the anointed call of missions.

Now, a good year later, the song has a completely different meaning in my life.

Before and after returning home from missions, I received many beautiful emails from missionaries around the world and family and friends says they were praying for me and they love me despite the situation. Well, I received this email from an FMC missionary living state-side just a few days after finding out officially that the Lord had blessed me with life, and this is what it said:

Hello Breana,

Peace in JESUS!

I just wanted to write you a quick note to say that I love you. I know that you probably feel all over the place right now, trying to make hard decisions and do hard things – but I want you to know that we are covering you in prayer and love right now.

Yesterday morning we were singing at morning prayer and we sang Oceans by Hillsong and it always makes me think of you when I hear it because you were the first person to introduce me to it! I felt a strong anointing of the Holy Spirit – I think you should re-read the lyrics and allow them to penetrate your heart!

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

 

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

 

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

 

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

The part that really made me think of you and your situation is – “your grace abounds in deepest water” – I know all of this was not part of your plan but I know and firmly believe that God can make so much beauty from everything – even our mistakes – and He really is present in a deep and intimate way in our greatest trials. Please be assured of our love and affection for you. I am praying for you and here for you if you need anything at all – please don’t hesitate to ask.

WOAH!

This song made perfect sense in describing my first year in missions, but now the words are about the beauty and immense suffering of a single mother who is struggling daily to give all of herself to the Lord.

Just as Peter denied Jesus over and over and over again, after the Resurrection Jesus asks Peter 3 times, “Peter, do you love me?”

I really believe the times I betray Jesus and fall into sin, He lovingly asks me, “Breana, do you love me?” and I respond, “yes Lord, I love you.”

Jesus replies: “Then feed My sheep.”

My missionary call is not invalid because of my sin, it is redeemed and made perfect and made beautiful in the eyes of God. He is calling me to understand that in the deepest of waters-in the deepest of sins, His grace abounds EVEN more. His grace is guiding me through this awkward unexpected turn of events from single missionary to single mother.

Peter, an avid follower of Jesus, denied Jesus and repented and Jesus still called him to “feed My sheep”…and Peter became the first Pope.

I do know and firmly believe that God can make so much beauty from our mistakes and trials. We can see that from the witnesses of the people in the Bible and even in my own witness.

I KNOW that God can create beauty out of mess.

I KNOW that I am still being asked daily by Jesus, “feed My sheep.”

So I will fulfill the new mission the Lord has called me to in this present moment of my life.

Visit this super cool link to see each lyric related to scripture and to hear the song!
Oceans (Where Feet May Fail): Song and Scripture